I'm going back to work this week after 13 months of maternity leave, and I am full of emotions. I've thoroughly enjoyed being a new mum and having so much time looking after Rox. Honestly, if we could afford it, I wouldn't be going back to work. Consequently it's been a bit of an emotional time lately, and I've felt pressured to 'enjoy the time' I have left with Rox, even through the limits of lockdown. 

Here's a few of the things which have been playing on my mind...

 - Will I remember  what I need to for my role? My brain is a bit mushy right now!
 - Will my new mum crowd drift away?
 - Will our childcare plan work out well? This involves El Husbandio having Rox two days in a row, he'll be learning fast!
 - Will I be as good as my team expect or remember me to be?
 - Is there anything I should do before I return to work to help Rox's development? To enjoy myself?
 - Why are me and El Husbandio at each other this week?
 - How will domestic duties be split now I won't be as available?
 - How will home working work when both of us are in the office?

So many things on my mind!

I had a bad day today with all this - and more - going round my brain. I realised I felt 

This is a bit of a lethal combination for me, the Big Three. These feelings do dominate when I'm having a rough time. Spotting I felt this way is a HUMUNGOUS achievement for me, given I had no emotional awareness a couple of years back. I've worked hard to recognise my emotions and to help let them be and pass, if they're not helpful. 

I didn't want to reflect any more. It was getting too much.

I took some deep breaths. . 
I spent some time in the garden alone. 
I reminded myself I'll still be a mum forever, it's not ending. 
I thought of the near future, how exciting it'll be when Rox is walking, talking...
I made a mental list of all the great things Rox and I are planning for the next year.
I reminded myself that I like my boss, my job, I'm going to go back to having a monthly income. 

And this helped enormously. I start work on Wednesday, and I don't feel terrible about it. Now I feel

  Proud
  Relaxed
  Sad

I'm immensely proud of what I've achieved this year, relaxed about going back to work (slowly does it, it'll feel normal before long), but still a little bit sad still I won't have my little shadow by my side all day. 

And that's ok. 

​Lou x

This isn't a huge ask for me, as it's kind of like a paper blog, right up my street, especially when I have a pretty notebook to scribble in. We've been encouraged to do whatever we wish for content, just to record something every day to help with anxiety, depression, boredom etc during Lockdown. 

I know writing can be therapeutic - have even blogged about it in the past - but I hadn't realised just how good journaling can be for your mental and physical health.

For me, it helps me keep my brain ticking over while I'm not working. It's a fantastic outlet for emotions and can help with clarity. When I'm in a bad patch with my anxiety (thankfully not for several months now) I feel confused and foggy, and clarity is something I really need to work towards, so this really helps. 

On good days, like today, journaling helps me to appreciate the small things. Today I wrote down three  good things which came along today. 

1. I made a new type of sweet bread - Dulce Milanese. (Not worth the 6 hour prove and 25 mins of kneading!!)
2. The sunshine was amazing today.
3. I spoke to my grandma who's isolating with my uncle in Norfolk. 

It's easy to see here how journaling can really give you a boost. The blog on Positive Psychology says there's 83 benefits!!!!

https://positivepsychology.com/benefits-of-journaling/

Have you ever tried journaling? It doesn't have to be much, just listing three good things each day counts, but some people write poems, sketch, 'flow' write, do a diary... you can do whatever takes your fancy really, as long as you do it every day.

Stay well,

Lou x

You may be tempted to visit beauty spots or family/friends, but don't. Stay safe, keep your family safe. Protect the NHS and save lives. 

There's much to be enjoyed at home and in this good weather, so make the most of it! 

We're planning a BBQ for the three of us, a replanting of seeds since the slugs got our veg, bread baking, and setting up the static exercise bike. If it's super nice, the paddling pool might even make an appearance!

Stay safe,

Lou x

Following my appendicitis, my family and I are isolating to shield me for two weeks, so lockdown just got riiiiipe! Our dog has been packed off on holidays round the corner as we three are confined to the house and garden. It's been six days and it has been ok so far, to be honest. But then one often doesn't feel like doing much when feeling rough. This coming week will be more of a test, I think.

Today, to make someone smile: I made yoghurt cranberry muffins for my husband's breakfast tomorrow. 

Today, for me: I did my first exercise since my hospitalization, and felt great for it, energised.

Today, to be productive, I cleared out my recipe books and put together two charity bags of clothes for when lockdown ends. 

Stay well,

Lou x

Anyone else starting to feel like this is the new normal? Not seeing friends and family, no reliable deliveries, no outings, work all a-cock... 

I'm hearing a lot from other people about "things they've read" about how long lockdown  is going to last for. We obviously don't know for sure but the speculation makes me panic a bit. I haven't dared to think about not seeing my family for the whole summer... and into the Autumn. 

I normally see my mum (often my dad joins too) once a week and my brother probably every two weeks, that's what I'm missing the most. They're not walkable to where they live so I can't walk past and wave like I've done with some local friends. If I think about it more than a couple of seconds, it is hard to bear. 

I do try to remember though that El Husbandio's family permanently live away, in another country, I'm lucky to have my folks in reach easily normally, but it makes it hard to talk about with El Husbandio because he always trumps me by pulling the foreign card.

But, as someone else said to me today, at least we're  all safe and healthy. Best not to dwell on might happen and how, just keep on keeping on. 

---

Today's productivity: Did a trip to Costco for dog food and toilet paper, mainly, and dyed some boring white baby PJs blue and yellow.
 
Today's smile for someone else: I made soft, fluffy cheese and onion rolls for tea tonight, which El Husbandio loves. 

Today's thing for me: I took the dog out for a longer-than-normal walk in some fields we've not seen for a while. Rox was in the baby backpack, enjoying pulling my plaited hair and looking at the goats we found. A lovely afternoon. 

Lou x

Everyone's probably feeling some degree of anxiety and/or depression with this current situation. However, for those who struggle with mental health issues like this daily, whatever global crisis is or isn't happening,  it can be especially hard.

I'm one of those people and I found yesterday difficult. I put on a brave face for the online video nursery rhymes session I'm running, but I was in turmoil inside. I haven't got as many problems as some, and I try to keep it in perspective,  but anxiety doesn't make that easy. I have a healthy family. My husband is still able to work from home (something he often did anyway), so that's not changed much. We have toilet paper and food. But yesterday I was off kilter, out of sorts.

I was tearful, angry and frustrated. Mainly with things I can't control - like seeing my neighbours meet at someone's gate for a cigarette and a gossip, much less than the 2m recommended away from each other - and it was really upsetting.

I feel like life for my home-loving spouse hasn't changed a lot. His hobbies include cycling, dog walking,  and he enjoys a lot of things online, like the radio podcasts from his home country. All of that he can do still, no problem.  I, on the other hand, get cabin fever very quickly. I feel like I need a cuddle, and he doesn't really want to chat. I went for a long dog walk in the woods, which helped, but  there's nothing like a catch up with your best friend over coffee, girl talk, and I miss it!!!

So how do I plan to make today easier to manage, less emotional? 

​It's started well, with news of a newborn. Congratulations Becca and Diego, so happy for you! I have been up two hours and done loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen and 'done the necessarry' (feed and dress baby and me). We've had our morning story (twice, thank you Amazon for a fresh delivery,  The Tiger Who Came To Tea was today's choice) and baby is chilling while I have a coffee/blog break. Feels like a normal Saturday,  and being productive sure helps.

I've also stopped following local groups on Facebook who are clubbing together to help others. I initially wanted to help but food bank assistance with a 9 month old would be challenging, and the other things so far just seem to be people posting about what they need or are angry about. I don't need to see that. I offered a homebaked gluten free cake for anyone vulnerable and on a gluten free diet, but there were no takers. Added to that, i received a phonecall from some random woman in my postcode who was telling me to hot-foot it to Costcutters who have paracetamol in stock. I don't need paracetamol,  and didn't aprecise a panic call from a stranger. She'd got my number from the volunteers list who are supposed to be delivering groceries to those in need.... not what this was intended to be used for, spreading secret communications of grocery a bail ability! Concerned, I messaged the administration of the WhatsApp group for my postcode to let them know what happened, and they're going to set some ground rules for the group. I'm going to leave the group today, as I think I have enough to deal with with a baby and things here, and I'm now trying to avoid hearing things about Corona Virus. From today I am going to ignore my phone much more, and only check the news once a day. I think I'll rejoin the Facebook Corona Virus happenings when and if we actually need help.

Now, I've already done loads of productive things today (see yesterday's post for why this is imoortant) - time for something I enjoy,  for me. I'm going to download Now TV and enjoy their free trial. I heard Rocketman is on there, and I've wanted to see that for ages.

Enjoy your day, be safe.
​Lou x

Being isolated from your friends and family is tough. I live in the same town as my brother and my best mate, and we normally see each other a fair amount. Dog walks, movie nights, dinners, cinema trips, shopping, BBQs... All of which have stopped due to the need to socially isolate. Staying 2m from someone is difficult if you're serving up burgers!

So how am I protecting my mental wellbeing? I recognise I'm lucky having a husband home, a baby to engage with and a dog to walk, but this will be tough for 12 weeks,  potentially more.

1. I'm maintaining the normal dog walking schedule. We're not self isolating yet so  taking her out to places that aren't very busy is fine. Fresh air and exercise,  essential for mental health wellbeing!

2. I'm trying to help others where I can. An acquaintance of mine ran out of nappies at the weekend so I dropped some at her door. Today I'm baking a gluten free cake for someone vulnerable and gluten free. 

3. Checking in with my friends is helping, those I know who live on their own, who have children at home, my grandma (staying with my uncle, happily), and the two who are about to have a baby each - good timing eh?! A 10 min chat  on the phone does wonders.

4. A routine is helpful: We still do the morning dress/breakfast routine, the book, bath, snacks and bedtime routines, and again, walk the dog.

5. I'm mixing up activuties, both for me and for baby. We're moving rooms regularly,  she's having toy rotations, and I'm not just spending hours on Netflix. Variety is the spice of isolation life!

I'm also trying to maintain my daily wellbeing goals I was doing before we'd even heard of Corona Virus: I aim to do something productive and something that makes me happy each day. It's a shorter prompt compared to the FIVE WAYS TO WELLBEING - still worth a Google.  

For example, today I made a cake and hoovered (productive), and I sang with my baby (happiness injection).

Several of my mum friends, on chatting to them, have told me they try to do something for them, not something for the family or kids. This ranges from painting their toenails to having a nap, reading for 20 mins and a long hot bath. The key thing here is it's a relaxing activity, I think.

It all helps, keep well!

Lou x

It was astounding to me how completely my body became all about concentrating on growing a new human; to a large extent and very quickly, I had no control over what it did when, how it functioned, and when I felt good. Added to that, I had more midwife appointments, monthly scans, and various examinations than the norm to check on me and baby, and an induced labour due to the gestational diabetes I developed from week 17. These appointments were often invasive and 'faffy', again, out of my control. 

This, to be honest, was all just par for the course, 100% needing to be done for the health of my baby and me. I was fine with that, Drs, get involved if you need to. When my body felt like it became fair game or visual/tactile/gossipy property of non-medical people I'd come across, that's when I took a bit of an issue. 

As Lindsay Hunter says, "pregnant women are on display. Suddenly, you are someone different. Something different. There’s a strange, infantilizing obsession that others get with a pregnant woman’s shape, her “bump.” This totally resonates with me. Three main occasions stick in my mind in particular of when people seemed to think they could do what they liked, say or ask what they wanted, or get involved in my pregnancy like it was their obsession and right...

1) A colleague I know a little - wouldn't call her even as much as a friend - asked me point blank over the tea point at work if I was constipated. Personal, much! I responded passive aggressively by filling her in COMPLETELY, leaving out no detail. Maybe she'll think twice before enquiring next time. Of all the side effects to ask about. Really. 

2) A stranger (to me, but a neighbour of my mother in law) I came across in the supermarket while helping my MIL shop felt she could try for a connection with the baby (kicks, I assume) by caressing my belly in the queue for the tills. Uninvited was not the word!!

3) Finally, postpartum, another stranger (friend of a friend that said friend and I bumped into while out for coffee) asked me last week - and this is a direct quote - "How's your fanny??" I shit you not. What a question! I'd be unlikely to ask even my closest frinds that, or is it just me??? And, ick, I hate that F word!

Now, if you've read any of my well-being themed blogs before, you know I don't have a problem sharing; I believe in normalising natural things (e.g. breastfeeding) and talking about important subjects, like mental health. Pregnancy is no exception. There's a lot of ignorance and some stigma around gestational diabetes in particular, and I am happy to share my experience, tips and to help people understand. However, there are some things you just do not do or ask someone you don't know well!

Aside from uncomfortable conversations, this is also importantly linked to body image, the theme of Mental Health Awareness Week 2019. When (mostly) well-meaning people you come across touch you, advise you, or probe into your health because you're pregnant, it can make you feel a little self-conscious, even paranoid and worried. No one likes to be reminded of the fact they're carrying more weight, even if it is for the best reason in the world... I was pretty proud of my bump, in awe of my body as a first-time mum, but even I felt a bit weird when a banter-full colleague pointed out that my necklace (a whale tail pendant) matched my body. I wasn't even that big, actually losing weight while preggo! 

Your body is no one's business but your own, so don't feel like you need to grace inappropriate questions and comments with a reply ... or perhaps have a good answer ready to ping back at them. The same goes for invasive touching. If you're not comfortable with people touching your belly, tell them. I had a language barrier in my case, but I still could have removed the woman's hands from my tummy - that would have needed no translation! 

Just because you're having a baby it doesn't make you fair game for public involvement and prying into your health and bodily experiences. Respect and consideration should still be applied. And ladies, remember you're in control here, where as in a lot of the 'joy' of pregnancy you may feel you're not. I certainly didn't - my body was at the mercy of hormones from the diabetes to late-stage emotional outbursts, and I couldn't do anything about it.

If you need yet another reason to be positive about your changing body and to feel like it's YOU who owns it, not any random passer by, take a look at this (American) quick read on how your body image perception can have lasting well-being effects on you and your child. Food for thought. 

And FYI, my 'fanny' is fine. Thanks for your kind concern.

Lou x

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Confidence is beneficial in many or most elements of life: Your love life, as a parent, social situations, work, driving, in the kitchen, even! It's truly got it's fingers in everything. However, even the best of us have a dip every now and then. I've always been a confident person, in so many ways. Some examples...

   - Even when I was a kid I'd chat to strangers in the supermarket
   - I enjoy traveling alone, including as far-flung places as New Zealand
   - In social situations I am chatty, energetic, and I enjoy meeting new people
   - I've done several things a lot of people have commented that they'd be petrified of doing (e.g. chopping off my long hair, caving, a trapeze swing)

But what does all this matter if one day you suddenly lose your confidence? Perhaps you're going through a relationship breakdown. Perhaps you had a fender-bender recently and are more cautious behind the wheel. Perhaps some feedback at work has left you feeling deflated and useless. It could happen. 

Today I'm going to compare my confidence from three years ago to today. 

Three years ago I lost my job. I was already on mild-ish medication for low mood and anxiety, and having counselling once a week (both of which were helping), but this really took my last ounce of confidence away. I remember having my final counselling session two days after I became unemployed. What timing! I was quick to book in some more sessions, let me tell you! That week I had lost more than my income; I lost my circle of work 'mates' (the ' marks are telling, but that's another story!), my routine, my ability to share financial burdens at home, and I realised having never not worked since I was 21, working had become part of my identity. I was also extremely worried how the rest of my life would work out after this sudden blank space appeared on my previously full and interesting CV, and quickly felt like I was turning into a distrusting recluse, unsure how I'd ever get back to work. 

Fast forward to now, and I'm on maternity leave - again, not in work (I'm a week from my due date when the 'real' work begins!), but it feels totally different. I have learned so much about myself in the past three years, my life has grown, and I'm back to my normal confident self. I'm fully aware I'm not 'normal me' at the moment with hormones, sleep patterns, and a changed physical state, but it makes an interesting snapshot. 

(Totally stole this chart idea from Paul, who writes a fantastic blog on mental health. Keep it up, bud! Check out his post about confidence here.)

The chart below is indicative of how I felt three years ago in relation to things which can affect your confidence (can you tell I'm missing work a little, hello Excel!).

​And the following chart is how I am feeling now...

These tables were more of an exercise for me to compare 2016 to 2019 personally, but I thought it may be useful to include. ​What a difference a couple of years makes. I can see some significant changes straight away, the impact of me losing my job and becoming more confident again in a temporary but positive pause in a working life. The biggest changes have been my use of voice and my growth in personal emotional awareness. Financially, again, it's tight, but for a positive reason this time, and being reminded I'm doing a good, responsible job of being pregnant by friends and family, midwives, my husband, is an incredible boost. Sometimes it can be hard to see or remember. I am learning to avoid comparisons with others - who knows how confident they feel themselves? Who knows what their real story is?

This has also reminded me of one of my favourite mantras. It may take some work but

Whatever situation, circumstance, body confidence or emotional crisis, it will eventually pass. Sometimes it needs a little encouragement, some changes, perhaps some personal training to improve your appearance or attitude, but things beyond your control will pass too. 

Missing confidence for me more recently has been more around feeling like I'm not good enough at work, no matter how many times I'm thanked or told I'm doing great. I am sure this feeling will be something I'll  experience as a first-time mum, so it's great to be aware that I can have a tendency to feel like that.  

Right now, confidence-wise it's mainly wonderingments. If that's a word. Will I be a good mum, that's the crux. It's all new to me (us), and many, if not most, new parents will not be able to avoid thinking or worrying about what the future holds for their new arrival. 

The second point I want to highlight is that some of these factors affecting confidence are controllable. Recording your achievements (however small) can help. Keeping on top of weight gain and some new clothes can do wonders for your self-esteem. Others are less in your field of control, like your upbringing, but simple awareness of the factors can make a little difference. 

I've also been lucky to be friends with and work with people don't make me feel like I need to be anyone but myself. 

​Remind yourself of and keep doing things that make you feel confident. Stand tall and know you are a capable person worthy of love!

I guess it would be interesting to see how confident I feel going back to work in a year's time... 

This blog didn't go the way I was planning, so I'm sorry if it's a bit rambly. My brain is clearly out of practice with thinking through big ideas and constructing coherent text at the moment!

Hopefully next time we speak I'll be a mum. One week to go!

Lou x

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I've been on a sugar-free, extremely low carb diet (almost keto) since mid-January due to my gestational diabetes (it's a joy...). The hormones in my body decided I won't be able to process most forms of sugar while I'm pregnant fairly early on, so I've had time to try out a few new things. It can be hard to find tasty desserts and cake that isn't chalky when your diet is this limited, so maybe this will help one or two readers. Let me know what you think!

Photos are from the respective websites

These no bake cookies from Stacey at Soccer Mom Blog went down a treat. Great on their own, or a cheeky dollop of cream. They're quick to make, have the added depth of flavour of peanut butter, and you can feel really smug knowing they're not at all bad for you!

Brenda, from the USA, AKA Sugar-Free Mom has a brilliant recipe for gluten, dairy and sugar-free brownies, and they're gooooood, especially if you like yours fudgy. The beans replace the flour, and they are one of the few keto-friendly desserts without coconut in them, if that's not your thing. Obviously with no flour, they don't rise, so be prepared for a shallow bake or use a smaller traybake tin. 

This was my favourite find. It's hard to find things which aren't chocolate based, but this carrot cake was delicious and I've made it repeatedly when I needed a baked goods fix. A great addition to the breakfast table, even, it's so not naughty! You can tell it's not so sweet, but it's by far and away the best keto cake I've come across. I didn't make the frosting and it was still great. Thanks to Maya, the blogger here!

Yes, you can still eat chocolate on a low sugar low carb diet! I buy Nick's sugar-free chocolate from Amazon, and it worked amazingly in this chocolate bark recipe from Jennifer Banz. Ultra quick, simple ingredients, and a bit of a novelty (or it was at the picnic I took it to). Just watch it doesn't melt on the picnic table in this gorgeous sunshine we've been having!

I've got just three weeks until Baby V is due but I fully intend on continuing to bake mainly less sugary and lower carb recipes. These treats will be a regular in our house even after the pregnancy diabetes has gone!

Why not follow Stacey, Jennifer, Maya and Brenda's blogs, there's a great collection of recipes to be enjoyed. Thanks ladies!

Lou x

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Born to be a Tourist