Today I struggled with my anxiety.
Here's a few of the things which have been playing on my mind...
- Will I remember what I need to for my role? My brain is a bit mushy right now!
- Will my new mum crowd drift away?
- Will our childcare plan work out well? This involves El Husbandio having Rox two days in a row, he'll be learning fast!
- Will I be as good as my team expect or remember me to be?
- Is there anything I should do before I return to work to help Rox's development? To enjoy myself?
- Why are me and El Husbandio at each other this week?
- How will domestic duties be split now I won't be as available?
- How will home working work when both of us are in the office?
So many things on my mind!
I had a bad day today with all this - and more - going round my brain. I realised I felt
This is a bit of a lethal combination for me, the Big Three. These feelings do dominate when I'm having a rough time. Spotting I felt this way is a HUMUNGOUS achievement for me, given I had no emotional awareness a couple of years back. I've worked hard to recognise my emotions and to help let them be and pass, if they're not helpful.
I didn't want to reflect any more. It was getting too much.
I took some deep breaths. .
I spent some time in the garden alone.
I reminded myself I'll still be a mum forever, it's not ending.
I thought of the near future, how exciting it'll be when Rox is walking, talking...
I made a mental list of all the great things Rox and I are planning for the next year.
I reminded myself that I like my boss, my job, I'm going to go back to having a monthly income.
And this helped enormously. I start work on Wednesday, and I don't feel terrible about it. Now I feel
I'm immensely proud of what I've achieved this year, relaxed about going back to work (slowly does it, it'll feel normal before long), but still a little bit sad still I won't have my little shadow by my side all day.
And that's ok.