Yes, I’m about 3 months behind the craze – I have been out the country for 9 weeks – but I started to embark on a journey of many shades this week.

EL James’ ‘50 Shades of Grey’ has been, as you are probably aware, the talk of not only book clubs, but lunches with ladies, office chat and casual conversation. It’s been heralded as the new ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover,’ 45 years hence. More than a little naughty, very accessible; this trilogy seems to have collected quite a following. The fastest selling fiction novel of the 21st Century? I had to try it!

Reading the book before me, a friend of mine advised me the first third of the book was ‘ultra boring’. She then reached the two-thirds point and said it was ‘pure filth’. It improves then! When she’d devoured the book to the last letter, she said claimed it was an excellent read.

Therefore, in search of a good structure, this is a review in thirds of the famous ’50 Shades of Grey’.

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The first third of the book takes us to about the 170 page mark. So far, I’ve not warmed to any of the characters. Anastasia, the protagonist, is irritating the hell out of me. Yes, she’s innocent, and supposed to be a little ‘green’, but even someone still clinging onto their virginity wouldn’t have been so ill-informed as to the activities in some people’s sex lives. She’s how old, 21? And how many times does she say ‘crap’ in each chapter? I feel this is dialogue characterisation stretched a little too far. Sure, that’s what she says, and I don’t mind, but she says it probably more times than is necessary. Mix it up a little!

I don’t like the name Christian; it doesn’t seem to suit the lover Anastasia falls for. I wonder why the author chose (carefully, I hope) this name in particular. It seems a middle-high class name, but did she mean it to have a religious connotation to it? He’s a less irritating character than Anastasia, perhaps because I am too busy drooling, but I question the author’s choice of name. With Mr ‘Grey’, she hit the nail on the head. Strong, uncomplicated, plain, disguising deeper shades. Adding the first name of ‘Christian’ ruined it for me.

Added to this, the writer doesn’t seem to have much creativity in terms of explaining how the dialogue is being delivered. Anastasia whispers or murmurs everything. In reality, how much whispering does anyone do? I found this a little unrealistic. But then, I’ve not personally been in her position… Maybe whispers are completely necessary in such situations, and no substitute would be acceptable? On some pages all she does is whisper and murmur, when there seems little call for quiet. However, when the main character isn’t whispering or murmuring, she’s snapping irritably. Apparently Anastasia uses the word ‘holy’ every 3.5 pages. My original view of the writing lacking something stands.

One part of the first third of the story I did enjoy was the scene in which Anastasia gets wrecked. Her explanation of how she feels is exactly how I have felt in the past, albeit perhaps not puking into azaleas specifically. She says “this is just too appalling for words” – a line in which, had I been more eloquent and able to pull myself together to voice my thoughts, I would have said at times myself. Ahh, student days… Anastasia makes some good points through her chunks and spurts (e.g. “vomiting profusely is exhausting”) and it makes for a truly empathetic scene. A real “I’ll never drink again” moment.

Inconsistencies in text is not one of my major bug bears. Perhaps it should be, but I very rarely spot anything in fiction I read. However, when Anastasia first reads the Non-Disclosure Agreement Christian presents her with, one of the stipulations is that she, as the Submissive (I’m not letting loose any spoilers I’m sure here!), is required to have seven hours sleep a night when they are not together. Less than 70 pages later, this has unexplainably been altered to eight hours. Anastasia should re-read that contract and makes sure she knows what she’s getting into. That extra hour of sleep could be the difference between waking at 7am or 6am – inconsistent writing, and something the Submissive should see as worth negotiating on. A lesson in reading contracts carefully before signing perhaps, but I feel the gravity of the lovers’ contract and the importance to the story means that the author should have gone over the details of the agreement with as much care as Anastasia should have.

Finally, and this is just a side note, but I’d be interested to hear the answer. This is an American print book, so all the words are Americanised. While we’re on the subject of Mr Grey, can someone explain to me why the colour grey in the USA is ‘gray’, yet Mr Grey is with an ‘e’? This must have presented some heavy editing issues in proofing the text with an American English spellchecker.  

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50 Shades of Erotica

 I’m now two-thirds of the way through ’50 Shades of Grey’. This is the extra juicy part, according to my friend. And yes, it’s definitely juicy. I don’t need to tell you, you’ve heard the rumours, hype and snippets, but it’s definitely a saucy read. Not exactly a book I’d recommend to my Gran, but I am surprised at how much I am starting to enjoy it.

Yes, there’s still very little plot to speak of, and the characters haven’t got any more interesting, but maybe a little more erotic fiction in my life wouldn’t be a good thing! And hey, it is porn, essentially. Perhaps the author wasn’t after the Orange literary prize with this volume. How often is porn aimed at men criticised as being poorly written/directed/acted?

It’s easy to tell porn from erotic literature. Porn shows the eyes on the front cover. Literature doesn’t. This also makes it much more appropriate to read at your desk during lunch.

There have been glimmers of lightening grey hope since the book has progressed. I like the private joke which Christian and Anastasia share when using ‘laters baby’ as a good bye greeting. This is a good example of a phrase akin to private language and jokes between two lovers. I warmed to this sweet phrase which shows the lighter, more playful side of the darkly dreaming (and acting) Christian.

Also, the whispering continues. Even the waitress at the IHOP is at it!

Page 430 was a step too far though. Four words so you can decide to skip it if you so wish: Tampon. Her. Removes. Christian. That’s nasty.

I wonder how much experience EL James has in this department, and how much she learned while researching this novel. Or perhaps she’s just living out a few fantasies to get her through a particularly boring marriage?

I continue…

'Shading' image courtesy of Fountain Pen Network.

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50 Shades of Enjoyment

I’m finished. The most famous modern porno novel aimed at frustrated housewives is in my official Reading Record on Goodreads.

I’m finding myself defending 50 Shades more and more. Who amongst you hasn’t fantasised about being whisked away in a private jet by a millionaire at some point? And what’s wrong with a little ‘posh porn’? As Jolene Beauchamp suggests, it’s what women want nowadays.  It’s easy to tell porn from erotic literature. Porn shows the eyes on the front cover. Literature doesn’t. This also makes it much more appropriate to read at your desk during lunch, perfect for working women who want some office escapism.

Erotic fiction has slowly been working its way onto a large platform in the literary mainstream in the last few years and has become a much more commercially viable product for publishers. The secret to its revival? Kindles, I believe. Erotic fiction has always been a little clandestine and having no book cover on view to everyone you sit next to on the train is of massive benefit to those who enjoy a bit of naughtiness on the morning commute.

My friend was, it seems, quite correct. The more I suspended reality and left my writer hat in the other room, I had to finish this book, whether it was worth reading or not. Call this enjoyment, or commitment, I finished it. But who am I to judge? Sit back and enjoy, suspend reality and silence your inner critique. You might just find a new genre you enjoy. I just don’t think I’ll be first in line to watch the film.

Lou x

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I was interviewed last week by Rebeccah Giltrow wearing my Towcester Writers' Group Chairperson hat. You can find our chat published on Rebeccah Giltrow's blog  (13th September 2012). Take a look!

Rebeccah is also looking for writers to interview, so if you're interested, get in touch via Twitter @rebeccahgiltrow or via her blog contact page.

Lou x

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There’s so much gumph (yes, that’s a word) you are told you need to ‘help’ you achieve your writing goals. In reality, you don’t need much from a material, spiritual or emotional level to get cracking, so I’m here to dispel those myths this afternoon.

1. The unwavering support of your friends, family, spouse

Maybe they’re not creative types. Maybe they don’t leap into literature like you do. If you dream of writing, just go for it. It doesn’t matter if your family and friends don’t ‘get it’. If you’re shy, you don’t need to tell anyone that you’re writing for a while. I do think chatting a piece out with someone can spur on yet more creativity though (perhaps mutually), and it’s always nice to have support, but make sure you write for you.

Fill that creative craving. JFDI!

2. A degree or Masters in creative writing

Education is fantastic. However, poorly chosen courses can be an enormous waste of time and money and I’ve even known people to lose interest in writing due to the poor course content or unenthusiastic teachers.

If you do go down this route, make sure the professor is a published writer and not just a PhD student from another field filling a staff spot. Can you work to deadlines? Would you be happy participating in a class which forces you to try something you’re not interested in (e.g. poetry, non-fiction). Would you be able to handle getting back into the swing of regular homework?

I’m not sure you can be taught creativity… Remember, it is possible to find help elsewhere. Try your local writers’ group. Join an online critique club. The main benefit of such courses is the opportunities to meet other writers, but you can do this for a much smaller (or no) fee in your community. Think carefully about what you want to achieve, and then about how you could spend the course fees on something better!

3. Lots of free time

Who has loads of free time?! Life is for making the most of so many would-be writers struggle to find a free 30 minutes or so to pen something.

My advice? Just get started.

There are ways to make the most of the time you do have in your day. Don’t put it off with silly reasoning. You can write with kids at home or with a full-time job. Scribbling something down while you wait for a bus or in your 20 minutes lunch break can inspire words to pour onto the page. You’ll have written a page before you realise. One page a day for a year and you’ll have a novel.

All you need is motivation.

4. A fear of rejection

You might as well face it now, while we’re comfy and chilled out. Your writing WILL get rejected at some point! It’s never personal, and do try to spot any useful feedback in the dreadfully disappointing letter. It might be well-hidden, so re-read the rejection letter once you’ve calmed down and put the tissues away. I had a particularly uncalled for, hypocritical and unprofessional rejection from one publisher, and I think the guy was having a bad day. I refused to sink to his level and moved on. Check out these incredible rejections your fellow writers have had… 

There will be people out there who love your writing if you work hard enough. Keep the faith, cherish any positive comments, and above all, keep writing.

Rejection is not the end; it’s a step on the path.

5. Perfect grammar

You don’t need perfect writing skills – that’s what an Editor is for. Use (but don’t rely on) your spell check, and proofread, proofread, proofread! No one’s perfect, just do your best.

6. Knowledge of the entire publishing and writing world

Nobody knows everything. Apart from maybe Stephen Fry. But until you get a spot on QI’s panel, you can cope.

Your pitches don’t need to be perfect (although you should work on them). You can use the Artists' and Writers' Yearbook to find appropriate publishers and agents to send your work to. Ask about; again, writers’ groups are a great place to share knowledge and tips. Make contacts; participate in short creative writing courses online or as a retreat, get round to some literary festivals and actually chat (yes, be brave, chat), to other writers. Twitter is also awesome for building writerly networks.

7. 10 best-selling novels

A writer is someone who writes. Who cares if we’ve never heard of anything you’ve written?

So that's a quick run-down of what you absolutely don't need to become a writer. What you do need is enthusiasm, a goal, a reasonable amount of stamina and determination, and a pen. Get writing!

Lou x

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This is an article I had published in the May 2012 issue of MK Pulse magazine, tweaked for more writerly purposes. More articles are available on the magazine website, but I'm hoping to post more material here at some point. Photo courtesy of Linda's Writers Clocks.

So Many Hours, So Little Time

There’s 24 hours in a day. It sounds like plenty, but most people only use about 16 of these productively. If you subtract the time taken to eat, travel, dress etc., it’s even less. I haven’t even included time spent at work yet, so you can easily see that your hours spent writing are severely limited.

If you could have an additional hour in your day, when would you place it? Would you put it to your advantage or not? Would you spend more time relaxing, or do something more proactive? Time flies, and you may be having fun, but could you use your time more proactively to get the most out of your day?

You may be reluctant to cut down on the hours you spend sleeping, but this is the easiest way to add a little precious time to your day. If you start small, say, getting up 10 minutes earlier each morning, you’ll barely notice the change. You’ll save an hour each day before you know it.

One hour's writing = thousands of potential words!

You will have reprogrammed your morning routine to be much more productive and potentially transform your life. Sleep is fantastic, and I am no morning person; I need to be fed, watered, and gently encouraged into the day. However, I could definitely use an extra hour in my morning.

Kerry, MK Pulse Editor, agrees. Believe it or not, she said “5am would be the best time for me to have an extra hour at my disposal. I am most productive at that time of the morning.”

Another good way to find extra time in your day is to be careful what you watch on TV. Do you actually like that programme you’re absorbing? Are you just watching ‘the box’ because you’re bored, or do you genuinely enjoy unwinding in front of the TV? Cutting out just one TV programme could save you a minimum of 30 minutes a day.

Where else could you find that elusive hour? Consider these time savers… Perhaps you could shop online to save time? Could you take the train or bus to work instead of driving, freeing your hands to pen a quick couple of pages? Or you could invest in a slow-cooker so dinner is ready to plate up when you walk in the door after work? As a delectable bonus, you’ll also be welcomed home with a delicious aroma.

Personally, I would insert the extra 60 minutes around 2.30pm, when I am most productive and on a post-lunchtime coffee buzz. On precious my weekends, I would drop it in around 3pm, providing more time to visit friends, shop, travel - whatever takes my fancy.

With an extra hour every day, over the course of the year you would have another 15 days to play with. Remember, it’s time gained for you; not for anything or anyone else. So why not try to get the most out of your day? Making better use of your time could mean you might actually finish that novel. 

Lou x 

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