When I was asked to write a piece for Miss Write during Mental Health Awareness Week (#mentalhealthawarenessweek) I couldn't turn it down.
 
This week is one dedicated to breaking through the stigma that's attached to discussing mental health issues, and educating those who are still learning about how mental health affect people differently.
 
The hardest thing for me isn't how to write this piece, but where to start. Which story to share. I may only be in my mid-30's but life's thrown a few challenges my way and I have had many a battle with my own mental health.
 
From a young age, I remember being seen as different. I was loud, quirky, weird and a bit eccentric. An overly enthusiastic kid with a side of harmless trouble thrown in for good measure. Teachers and other parents were a bit wary of this crazy ball of energy bouncing around the classroom.
 
Luckily I was a pretty hardy soul, comments went over my head whilst I distracted myself with the next shiny thing that drew in my interest. The problem is that as you get older, you become aware of what people are saying and thinking about you. No one took interest in WHY I was maybe like that. It's just how I was, so I grew to accept this too. 
 

​Of course, there are dark days for someone who is unsure of why they are the way they are, why they have burnouts, why people take a step back from you or treat you differently. As I grew up, this led to bouts of depression.
 
It didn't matter what I tried, I could join all the societies and clubs, run toddler groups as I entered motherhood, join the PTA and more. I would be known as the YES and the IDEAS lady. Want something done, ask Louise, she will probably have the energy to do this. Want some good ideas about how to fix a problem? Louise will probably have 100 ideas and again, being the YES lady, she will probably offer to run every one of them herself too.
 
And in my bid for acceptance, I did it ALL....  This ended up being more detrimental to my mental health than I realised, and a link that I failed to spot myself.
 
Everything I signed up to was attacked with every ounce of energy I had, to the point once a project was finished I suffered serious burnout. I was so keen to please and be accepted and people to say, WOW; that's the sort of person we want as a friend, not just as a dogs body... that I just kept going.
 
My husband would step in and try to warn me, seeing negative patterns in my behaviour, but unfortunately for him, I was in denial there was anything else going on. I just liked to be busy and wanted people to need me and the excitement of running all these projects I found addictive.
 
Two years ago I started to see some behaviour in my youngest daughter that I recognised. She was struggling to find her place within school, the kids were wary of her overly creative storytelling and enthusiasm, the teacher was calling me to complain she was distracted in class and was concerned it was due to her being mentally incapable of doing the work (just to clarify here, she was being expected to sit and trace and colour in alphabet letters for ten minutes, something she had been doing since the age of two and that she was bored to death with doing...). 
 
Not only did I feel upset for her, but it took me back to my own childhood. I could see the whole thing playing out again. Parents weren't encouraging of their children being friends with a kid that may encourage their own kids to become distracted and a little on the weird side.
 
I knew there was something more to it, and luckily, worldwide, there is now a better acceptance and understanding of kids who maybe were struggling in school due to being different. I pushed for an assessment. If anything I didn't want my daughter to go through the same unnecessary challenges as I went through if there were answers available.
 
As we sat with the doctor, they noted the pattern I was expressing through my own journey and my daughters and asked me if I had ever thought about getting an assessment. It had never occurred to me that it would still be relevant, I was 34 and had managed so far without an assessment... Yes, I was still doing all the things above, still heavily distracted, disorganised, prone to burnout and depression, but I hadn't even considered my own mental health was worth looking into...
 
A few months later I was being told I displayed very strong signs of having adult ADHD and a very mild form of bipolar. I was in shock at first... would I now be expected to go on drugs to help me manage myself? I was a bit freaked out to be honest. I had lived my whole life without medication and I wasn't planning on my own daughter (who also got diagnosed with ADHD) taking medication for something that I hoped we could try and work through.
 
What I have I done to try and help myself? The same things I would suggest to anyone, no matter what mental health issues they are battling.
 
* Learn who you are
 
Taking the time to understand yourself is VERY important. No matter if you have bouts of depression, suffer from loneliness, anxiety, or maybe something more pronounce: take time for YOU to understand why and if there are any underlying reasons.
 
* Accept yourself
 
YES!!! Sometimes I am a bit mental or different and that's ok!
 
* Believe it
 
Yes, I am repeating the comment above but as I shared in my own journey, I thought I did accept myself.  Even though I had this basic acceptance of myself I still found myself falling over at the same hurdles time and time again. 

​
*A diagnosis is ok
 
There's still so much stigma attached to going to the doctors and asking for help. We are all human, but some people would be more likely to go to the doctors for minor aches and pains than they would for something as important as mental health and well being. It's not irrelevant or less worthy than physical well being!
 
*Own it
 
The more people who can stand up and say they are living with or have gone through a journey with their own mental health, the more it helps others come forward and talk about their experiences and maybe, seek help. The less we hide away from mental health issues and discard its importance of being accepted worldwide as an OK subject to talk about freely, the more we normalise it and can help people find the confidence to continue the discussion. By owning a bigger understanding of yourself, you give yourself the chance to set more realistic limits, goals and boundaries for yourself.
 
*Mindfulness
 
I HATE this word, but what I would say instead is take time for you. Not to go shopping or do errands you normally do all day, but do things to let your head calm down. 

Read a book. Sit in the sunshine with your eyes closed, feeling the sun on your skin and listening to the world around you. Watch a thunderstorm. Be aware of others around you, open your eyes. 

Everyone has their own story, their own journey, be mindful of that. You may feel alone but you are surrounded by many who are also going through their own journeys too.
 
*Never use it as an excuse
 
If your mental well being has affected others, be aware of that and make it right. Your behaviour could have a knock on effect to others, and as I've said above, you can't understand anyone else's journey fully, but you are responsible for your own. Mental Health is never an excuse to be cruel or mean to someone. You of all people know the power of an encouraging word or a hug, a smile and know how an angry face when you are feeling down can be the thing that causes you to break, and feel worse. BE 'MINDFUL' OF THAT.
 
Through an acceptance of myself I am hoping that I have found myself a happier place. I have connected online with other adults with ADHD to see how they have managed their own journeys. Being self-aware has given me the tools to take little steps in finding a better life balance for myself.
 
If I volunteer to do something, I do it not for the praise of others or the need of their adoration, friendship or the desire of feeling wanted. I do it because I want to and because I want to feel my own self-worth. I'm also very aware that being busy all the time isn't THE answer.

I am sure life will still find a way to present me new challenges, new adventures. But for now, I'm happy to know, that I quite like me, especially now I know who I am.

​Life is a journey and most journeys include ups and downs, right paths, wrong paths, moments of feeling lost or moments of absolute joy. Not all of us walk the same path, some of us are lucky enough to have our paths cross each other, to share a moment in that journey together. 

Above all, this is YOUR journey and YOU are responsible for the direction you take it, so if you can, try and make sure to enjoy the little things and appreciate where you have been and all you have achieved. 

Louise Gooding
Find me on Twitter @OnceUponALouise

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Thanks chick, great stuff! I can certainly relate to "busy = happy" ... An attitude I learned to fight against a few years back. A good reminder.

Find out more about Mental Health Awareness Week here, and be well!

Lou x
​
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This self-indulgent post came about from a chat with a friend of mine. She hasn't had kids, and this is my first - it dawned on us how little we knew and what odd expectations we had/have of what being pregnant was going to feel like.

Before getting pregnant, I imagined I would be a puker. I imagined significant weight gain, and, yay, the freedom to eat what I want (the causing factor the weight gain, but hey, I'm pregnant!). I did not expect to be so tired I fell asleep at my desk at work. I didn't puke til I got a stomach bug (twice), and actually am losing weight due to the limited diet of Gestation Diabetes kicking in. There has to be some up-sides, even if it means I would kill for a bowl of granola right now!!

I appreciate every woman's journey is different - my mother-in-law swears she had ZERO symptoms bar a growing belly - but here I am, just for fun and because I'm a little bored, in cartoon form, 31 weeks in. Two months to go!

EDIT: 2 WEEKS LATER... Now I can add fainting spells, heartburn, pelvic girdle pain (bum cheeks, hips, 'undercarriage' - mainly at night), bleeding gums and constipation to the list!

You can see, it's been a fairly un-enjoyable ride so far! And I'm not even a 'complicated' pregnancy.

Some symptoms really don't bother me (e.g. the caffeine deprivation headache - it only lasted 3-4 days), and some are some bonuses (e.g. good hair), but most of pregnancy is just plain hard work. There's been two occasions (admittedly before anyone realised I had Gestational Diabetes and that something was up) when I've slept night-day-night. And yeah, 'belly growth' is an obvious side-effect, but I hadn't realised how soon I'd need maternity jeans and how tight my belly would feel - constantly. It's a big job, growing a human!

What's surprised me in a positive way is that I'm totally not freaked out by having a little being inside me. Pregnant bellies used to make me feel a bit grossed out, and I thought I'd be horrified seeing my belly move when little one does her acrobatics, but actually it's pretty amusing. And the size of my bump is 'tidy', I've been told; I'm kinda proud of it, really. As hard work as it's all been so far, my daughter is doing amazing, even if I feel a bit rough most days.

I've also felt a lot less emotional that I imagined. Hormones are a 'Bee with an Itch', causing everything from acne to diabetes, and I've been pretty consumed with PMS in the past, so I was preparing for the worst... with no need. Sure, I've had a handful of days when I've cried for no reason, but luckily it's not been in public! I've generally felt a lot more chilled, probably mostly due to the fact I'm tired/sleeping (i.e. silent) more. El Husbandio has got off lightly there, I think!

It's not good to compare, but whenever I feel a bit miserable about not sleeping due to hip pain, or I'm dying for a massive piece of chocolate tiffin, I remember my friend's mum's story. She was confined to a hospital bed for both her children's gestational period. I can still work, meet with friends, and I'm well looked after at home with a husband who likes to cook and is ever-so-slightly obsessed with cleaning and DIY. We're truly nesting!

It's totally got to a 'means to an end' situation in my world, and I can't wait for Baby to arrive.

Lou x

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Now there's a question. I didn't really expect an answer when I tweeted this message this morning, but my random 'had to share' musing made me think (more). Why do bad things happen to good people?

Recently, some friends of mine have been 'going through the mill'. From medical and financial complications, to spirit-crushing things at work and problems at home, things seems to be an uphill struggle. They're good people though, so how is this fair that their life is not sunny? Why can't they be given a break, or at least be given reasons for why such things happen?

I guess the question I tweeted is an age old question as no one really knows why things like that happen. Sure, sometimes it's bad decision making or a brief lack of judgement, but I see so many cases where there's nothing they did wrong. Some would say "life just sucks sometimes" but that's a bit simple and defeatist to me. Here's my opinion on why bad stuff happens to good people.

1. People who feel pain more intensely  may be those who care and love more. More openly, stronger, without judgement. That's a nice way of thinking about it, and it may be true. Totally stole this from the last episode of Fleabag on the BBC, by the way. Find it on the iplayer for a few weeks, well worth a binge.

2. Perhaps people who are nice, unselfish and caring expect the same from other people. I personally don't think this is unreasonable, but maybe it makes good eggs more vulnerable or naïve... Cue the bite in the ass shock you get when it's not a mutual thing. I know I've been there. I've expected the same courtesies back from people sometimes and received the opposite, and probably most of us can relate to this.

3. It doesn't apply most of the crap that's happening to my friends at the moment, and it's a bit of a weak argument, but sometimes good people can be busy people. Maybe having minor undesirable stuff happen to them could be a side-effect of distraction, stress, or just a lack of time to do things properly or on time?

4. Some good people may know they're good people and unintentionally offend or make mistakes as they know they didn't mean to cock-up. If you didn't mean to cause waves or create a negative situation, surely everyone understands that you meant well?! Well, no. They won't. Everyone is different. Good people are not perfect, give yourself a break, make amends if needs be, and know you meant no harm. And if people don't 'get' you, that's their problem, not yours.

It just occurred to me that bad things happen to bad people too. It's universal. Bad people may just absorb them better, be less inclined to share the news, or maybe we non-baddies think "well deserved" and move on, forgetting... Good things happen all the time though, so look out for the light and the moments of joy.

Yes, life does suck sometimes, and often you'll find you've seemed to have done nothing to deserve it. But good people should be rewarded, in my book, with less sh*t to deal with. Sometimes it's relentless and, if you're reading this, God, this tactic needs improvement! 

Just keep swimming, folks, and be kind to one another. After all, kindness and unselfish actions are often just the absence of 'unkindness' and selfishness. And if you are kind to others, that could be their 'good thing' that happens to that good person that day. Pay it forward!

Have a great week,

Lou x

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A couple of weeks ago my friend Paul posted an emotions checklist on his wellbeing blog, demonstrating there is potentially/often a lot going on underneath than just being 'alright', his default answer when someone enquires how he is.

His article really struck a chord with me, so I printed off the list of emotions he referred to.

The day in question was a normal kinda day; nothing amazingly impressive, exciting, good or bad happened, just a day in the life. 

​Before I went to bed that night, I grabbed a pen and checked off the emotions on that list I could remember I'd felt during the day. 

And I was surprised. Even with my now fairly self-aware state (compared to a year or two ago), I was experiencing emotions I had never thought were in my collection, much less would I have been able to articulate that was actually what I was feeling, if asked. Just wish I'd done this when I was a teenager - would have helped with the cacophony of stress I experienced then, I think. 

I can remember the feeling of others on the list which didn't feature that day, and it's funny the response my body gives when considering them. Some of them I feel in my head, occasionally behind my eyes (like a tiredness), most manifest in my chest. That goes for the good and the bad. 

​It was also sort of nice to think, hey, there's one or two on there that I don't recall having felt before. Spiteful, I am pleased to say, is one of them. However, there are a few on there I would happily never feel again: Powerless, bitter, guilty, rejected....

Emotions are a complex thing. Small things, big things or nothing things can kick them off. I have a theory that waking up in a bad mood could be because you've had a stressful or sad dream. Often you have no control, like many things in life, over when they pop up or how you feel at certain times, but you can attempt to control the way you react to things when they happen. 

​  - Look for the blue sky - no unnecessary complaining, wear that smile!

  - Self-care (physically, mentally, emotionally - all) should be high on your priority list. Look after no.1.

  - Give yourself a break. 

​  - Remember all emotions are a natural response - just because you feel a little more inclined to one than another, it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It only becomes negative when it dominates. 

  - Keep breathing. 

​Enjoy your weekend and enjoy some emotion-spotting - one kind of labelling I think is actually good for you. 

Lou x
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My Baking Addiction: by Jamie, who self-certifies herself as someone who bakes too much. I love it!

The Environment Agency has a great blog, for scientifically minded people and those who are not so - always hot on subjects affecting the UK's environment and beyond.

A new find: A Cranky Flier. Brett, the blogger, writes regular posts sharing his three favourite links to travel news on the web - among other great content.

A dear friend and past colleague of mine writes a fab mental health blog. Take a look at WYSE THOUGHTS, and say hi to Paul.

Gray (with an 'a') Matter has some great stories, always something interesting to read and learn here. A recent favourite of mine was the post on beautiful metro stations you can find across the planet.

Huffington Post has a Good News blog - brings warm feelings from around the world.

Let me know if I've missed your favourite!

Lou x

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So, El Husbandio and I became dog owners in February. We'd been thinking about getting one for a while, and saw what seemed to be the perfect dog advertised on Gumtree. We collected her from a family in Swindon who'd (stupidly) bought her for Christmas and couldn't cope with a puppy's energy and costs after a month, so she's kind of a rescue - and we got so lucky!

Chumi (short for "Chumiko", which means "black conker" in Spanish) is a Collie, with a hint of Whippet hips and legs about her. She's now five months old and just gorgeous. She's slept through the night (I sound like a mother!) from the start, she could already sit and would poop outdoors, she's so friendly with other dogs and people, learning more every day.

I'm not going to just brag about our wonderful pup, here, though. There's a real, useful reason for this blog today. As it's Mental Health Awareness Week, I want to share how having a dog has improved my mental well-being. You may scoff, and people have scoffed, at the idea of how the presence of a dog has helped, but I'm a convert to the idea. It works.

I was a non-believer. I thought the benefits of a dog were limited to having company at home and perhaps more walking to boost your physical health. However, since Chumi came into our lives, I've discovered so much about how having a dog in the house can be beneficial to more than just your exercise regime.

Some of you may be aware that I've struggled with my mental health over the last two to three years. It's a long story, but the up-shot is that I'm definitely on the mend and slowly returning to my old self. Being able to realise that is an important and significant step.

I've tried several things to help me through anxiety, depression and a general emotional confusion: three forms of medication (one made sick, one I was petrified of, and the one I settled with, I'm starting to wean off - yay!), 121 counselling, CBT group classes, more exercise, reading up on mental health blogs, talking openly with friends and family, quitting booze, and trying to re-discover what made me more content and 'me' in the past.

Now, I know what you think I'm going to say. The dog was the key to it all. That's not true. I believe a mixture of all the things above helped me to re-stabilise and begin to function in a way that is normal for me again. However, I have a feeling that having a dog in my life has given more the final push to returning to good mental health.

The answer to solving the conundrum and debilitation of depression is not 'one size fits all', but I sure think a dog should be prescribed on the NHS! *tongue in cheek*

So how has becoming a dog owner assisted me on my recovery?

1. The obvious one is I'm getting more exercise. Exercise is a key part to recovery from mental illness. Chumi has a walk first thing from El Husbandio, then a longer walk when I'm back from work. We're out for a minimum of 40 mins at a time, and I often forget the time, enjoying the time out so much. I've been trying to lose a little weigh since November, and it's no coincidence that I'm my lightest (and have been for seven weeks now!) now we have a dog.
2. Linked to this, is the additional fresh air I'm getting on these walks. Always a good thing!
3. I've also realised, since walking Chumi, that dogs live in the moment; they're masters of Mindfulness, without even knowing it! Our walks together have helped me 'switch off' and she's helped me, in a weird way, to become more mindful and relaxed as a result.
4. Dogs lighten the mood. El Husbandio and I haven't had the easiest start to marriage, and Chumi allows us to make light-hearted or grumpy comments about situations to someone who won't challenge your gripes.
5. Chumi is a great distraction - for good and for bad! She needs attention, feeding, walking, and all the rest of it, which adds another element of routine and a distraction from things which might worry our little brains too much.
6. There's less pressure in the household. Bless him, El Husbandio is a neat freak, who can't relax if the dishes haven't been done. However, playing with the dog has seemingly become more important than household chores. Not in a bad way, we're far from living in squalor, but we're a little more relaxed about when things get done now. Yay!
7. I'm feeling the love - Chumi gives us unconditional love. She isn't a captive, she loves being with us and shows us every day by playing, 'dog smiling' and licking kisses all over our hands and faces. Naturally, she's a pack animal, and she loves being part of our small 'pack'. It's not just that we're the ones who feed her - other people give her treats, but it's us she comes home too, even when she escapes the harness! She's not a human substitute, however much I love her, but she's a great companion.
   
8. I'm also sharing the love. As in Gary Demonte Chapman's 'Five Languages Of Love', one of the main ways I like to show love is by giving gifts. I'm always baking for friends and family, often sending fun post to those I love, and grabbing a little gift I come across for El Husbandio when I know he'd love it. Sharing the love with Chumi is easy and so gratifying. She takes about three minutes to suss out a new toy and then plays with it to death. She's happy, grateful, curious, and a pleasure to watch.
9. My social circles have widened, almost with immediate effect upon starting to walk Chumi in our local area. I have, I guess, one new friend I now walk with regularly, and new acquaintances I bump into (mostly known by the name of their dog, admittedly!), and it's so nice to be able to have those community links. We're thinking of taking Chumi to fly-ball classes, which again, will widen both her and our social circles.
   

Take a look at this website for more on how dogs can help with mental therapy. For a more hefty read, try this recent study on pet owners and increased levels of self-esteem. You may be surprised - I was sceptical, never having had a dog before, but I can't believe the difference Chumi has made to my mental health well-being. Just the fact I can reflect and notice the difference shows how far I've come in this short time.

As the author Julie Myerson puts it

"Most of all, when your confidence is at its lowest, when you feel battered – by life, death and (especially) other humans – a dog will shove her nose in your hand and tell you, with conviction and feeling, what a really good person you are."

And in such grim times as these, a little sunshine in a simple way is something we could all benefit from.

If you think you could benefit from a dog's company but can't commit, why not take a look at Borrow My Doggy? You can meet up with local owners who need extra walking for their pooch and get the benefits of having a dog without the long term commitments. Let me know how you get on!

Lou x

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This is a poem I wrote a while back, some therapeutic reflecting - always helps! Does anyone else write through boredom or through difficult times? (Of course, I write this in my own time!)
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​Time is going backwards
It’s the time of day
I ponder what’s for dinner
And wonder what to say.
 
“How’s your day been, baby?”
The question that I dread.
It’s nice to be asked, very polite
But a grumpy answer’s in my head.
 
I hate that I’m bored stupid
And I’m one for feeling guilty
When I’m not working for my cash
And filling time with tea.
 
It makes it hard to leave the house
Always something to do there
I could be cleaning, baking, reading, cooking,
Do anything I care.
 
Staring at bogus spreadsheets
And looking forward to lunch
Trying to look occupied
Colleagues a busy bunch.
 
I feel like I’m praying
For an email to pop in
Something to action, something to do
And my day could begin.
 
My talents are skills are wasted
In this dead end role
But where do I want to move to?
How do I leave this hole?
 
Keep looking, keep seeking
A better job’s out there.
And when one day I’m happier
I’ll have an answer to share.

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If you like what you're reading, why not check out some more of my writing here on Miss Write?

See you again soon!

Lou x

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Born to be a Tourist

Getting married. An untimely death of a childhood friend. Family. Two solicitor hirings. My first house. A few things which have made me grow up a little in the last year. I had a pretty stable upbringing, a lucky child of loving, successful parents, but despite that, half a lifetime ago I was in a bit of a state. Feeling the pressure of exams and insignificant teenage life, I still have few regrets, but if I'd known a few things about life and the future, I would have had a smoother introduction into adult life.  

​Aside from the lottery results, here's 15 things I wish I could tell my 15 year old self. 

I made it - it's only the third time I've cycled to work from the new house, and I think (hope!) it's getting easier. That 25 minute uphill ride is challenging, I'll say that!_

Still, I wanted to use this opportunity to signpost you, lovely readers to my travel blog, Born to be a Tourist. I have a category on that blog roll on cycling, which, if you're reading this post, you may enjoy. It's loosely linked to travel as I've been around a lot on it (Wales, Gloucester - more to come!), but it's full of fun stuff. Take a look!

So... did you cycle to work today?

Lou x

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